The Slow Boat

In Scribbling the Cat, Alexandra Fuller wrote: It should not be physically possible to get from the banks of the Pepani River to Wyoming in less than two days, because mentally and emotionally it is impossible.

The Pepani in Zambia, where her parents live and where Fuller met the man who would be the focus of the book, should be left slowly, sloughed off over days and even weeks before a person could be expected to emerge within the North American world.

Living between poles is living an inherently dividend life, where jolting across oceans brings a kind of dislocation that isn’t a rapid break of a limb, but rather a slow burn of coping, adjustment, jet lag, uncertainty. It’s the grinding knowledge that it will be always impossible to be fully present, unless there’s some deeply felt self awareness at work that I’ve yet to maintain.

Every time I take on the act of travelling, I wish I wasn’t. I wish I wasn’t hauling bags through airports, standing in immigration lines, paying double the normal price for a coffee. And then I remember how much of a privilege travelling is, how happy the child I was would have been to know what my passports would come to look like.

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But travelling – not for a beach in Cuba or a Banff ski break, not as a tourist – is to accept this dislocation. Saying yes to somewhere is a no to somewhere else. Choosing one pole is rejecting another. And then living within those choices can be more of an endurance test than tugging bags through any airport or train station. If I didn’t get terrible seasickness, I’d wish for a slow boat to take me wherever it is I’m going.

A few days ago, someone asked me if I still had culture shock on being in Canada, and I thought of Fuller, of needing many more than two days for the mind to catch up with the body. My merging can only be measured in months, maybe years. Now that I need more than one hand to count the number of months I’ve been in Canada in the past 12, I am feeling adjusted to a point where I am fairly confident I’m driving on the correct side of the road when I pull out of the driveway.

What I have now isn’t so much a culture shock, but a culture instability. At work I write about the U.S., at play I write about Ghana, out my window I see rural Canada. My mind and my body rarely match up, except on crystalline mornings where the snow clings to trees along the river, and afternoons where the blue air of the February thaw remind me so much of the clear, high winter sky over Johannesburg.